Whatever We Wanted

“What are you, heart broken or something?”

I was once asked that by a middle-aged waitress at 3 am at a Humpty’s Diner as she poured me another hot coffee with her left hand. Simultaneously, with her right she set down my breakfast of eggs; over easy, hash browns; extra burnt, and bacon; greasy. The plate hit the table hard, snapping me out of my trance brought on by lack of sleep, lack of hope, and lack of food. Even my guitar couldn’t save me now. “Yes,” I replied. But she didn’t hear me. In fact, she was already on to the next customer. Thanks for the heart to heart Flo, if that’s you’re real name. I remember asking myself, “Why am I here?” Literally. I mean, I don’t drink coffee and I don’t eat bacon. I was in a bad state. No… not Wisconsin. The state where breathing becomes voluntary – each breath was such a chore. The scene I just described is as cliché as they come, don’t you think? I guess when you’re lost, you look for familiar situations, which usually comes from movies and literature. I remember thinking to myself, amidst all the chatter of the nighthawks, clinks and clanks from the plates and glasses, “what now?” I was twenty-three. A mere boy in men’s clothing. Well, I’m only 5’2” so it might have been a Gap Kids attire, but you know what I mean. My thoughts searched for stories told or movies watched that tell me "what now." but I drew a blank.

It’s been three years since that night and I can state now that what I was feeling was not heart break. Sure, a month prior, under the artificial lighting of a parking lot, my relationship with my fiancé ended, but was it really that heartbreaking as much as it was growing up? You see, life was too comfortable. She no longer gazed at me from the passenger seat; she gazed out the window. She no longer explored my palm and fingers; they did not nervously sweat like they use to. Red lights were not excuses to kiss anymore; they were the symbol for awkward silences. We were more safe than happy; more forced than free; more done than not. So I made a promise to finish what we've tried to end many times before.

Victims of clichés, that's what we were. Two young energetic lovers acting out romantic scenes from big budget films, our hearts carried away by poetry that we misinterpret, our ears ran from voice of reason. When we fought, I'd think, "What would Lloyd Dobler do?" And then there I'd be with my portable stereo, playing the love song of the summer outside her bedroom window. We held hands and laughed as we ran through fields of flowers on warm sunny summer days. At night fall, we'd stare at the stars, but not really. What did we know about stars? Surely not that they were massive, luminous ball of plasma that is held together by gravity. They were just something to wish upon. And even then, we didn’t need wishes. We had each other. Are you puking yet?

Enticed by normality, we crossed off things we've achieved; House, dog, careers. What now? Easy. Marriage and kids. The answers were there, embedded in us since the day we were born. Our parents, our neighbors, our friends all traveled the path. We knew it all. We wanted it all. And as long as we lack the balls to face reality, we'd live happily ever after. What a joke! What a cliché! We got lost in the lives of our elders. We planned for future events instead of living. While others were defining themselves as individuals, we were defining one another.

“What now?” I never got an answer that night at the diner. In fact, I drank the coffee and ate most of my breakfast, minus the bacon, got sick and went home. It wasn’t until a time later that I realized what the true answer should have been, back at the diner, now, and even with her; and that is.....

Whatever we wanted, not what everyone had.