The florist shoves the last decoration into the overflowing spring bouquet I order on a Saturday afternoon of Easter long weekend. She gives me advice in-between pushing and tying and snipping (whoever just oOoOo’d, get your mind out of the gutter, sicko!). “Remember to be a gentleman! No parent will appreciate a rude boy! Trust me on this! Elbows off the table, speak with proper grammar, that stupid thing you do when you laugh, stop it, and for goodness sake take off those fake gold teeth!”
“But I love my $20 grillz!” Sigh. I reluctantly throw my bling into an empty tin trash can. It glistened dully on its decent.
“All that, coupled with this masterpiece I’ve made will definitely guarantee a good first impression!”
Oh, if you haven’t figured it out, I’m meeting my girlfriend’s parents today. As I stand here listening to the florist, I couldn’t help but think of my friend Robert, who once wore sweats and a hoodie to his girlfriend’s family Thanksgiving dinner, meeting her parents for the first time. I laughed to myself a little and shook my head. I imagine that his girlfriend begged and plead her parents into giving him a second chance. HAHAHAHA stupid Robert. Or is he?
First impressions are such a double edge sword isn’t it? I mean, we all want to make a grand entrance into the lives of those we meet but “how grand?” is the question. Undersell yourself and you may lose all chances of getting together with those people again. So we dress in our best attire, plan conversations in our heads, bring some flowers, chew some gum, spray on the Cool Water cologne. But can we sometimes go too far and oversell ourselves? Have you ever sat in front of an interviewer for a new job or shaken the hand of your girlfriend’s father and catch yourself speaking with a rich English accent when you were born and raised in the snowy town in Canada? Or you got some inside information about what the interviewer or father likes to hear so you speak of the economy or hunting animals even though you’ve never cared much about neither? Sounds ridiculous but I assure you that it happens all the time.
In fact, first impressions have become somewhat of a be all and end all as though it were an audition for a musical or something. I can hear the show-tunes faintly playing in the background now, “God I hope I get it! I hope I get it!” Naturally, when the stakes are high people start to desperately reach to become the person that is ideal for acceptance, rather than just being themselves. And through successfully gaining their audiences’ approval, they ultimately, in the long run, fail. Let’s face it, all the flowers and jokes and accents; those aren’t our natural traits. It’s the above and beyond actions that we take to impress. And after all said that done, we go home and relax and fall right back into the traits that make us who we are; the not so desired sometimes corny person. One day the ones we are impressing will catch us relaxing and discover the lies!
Maybe Robert has it figured out. Take a look at high jumpers. They don’t come into the gymnasium, or wherever high jumpers jump, saying, “Hey, raise the bar up to my personal best height first. I want to impress the pants of the judges early.” No way. Sure, they might make that jump but their next jumps will most likely be disastrous because they already did all they can do. Last I heard, trying to beat your personal best is not the easiest task.
Whether it be first impression or setting standards for any sort of relationship, the best approach, however corny it may be, is to approach comfortably. If you like wearing sweats to formal dinners, do so. And if you get nasty looks and banned from any further gatherings, at least you know where you stand. Which is much better than find yourself jumping for unreachable heights in future events. I’m not saying to initially set that bar to unreasonably low heights. No, that would be disrespectful. I’m saying put it to where you’re most comfortable, that way it’s truthful, and everyone should respect that. Remember, too high equals short term satisfaction (unless you’re a professional limbo-er, then I’d say “don’t set the bar too low,” I guess). We’re planning long term here folks. See, in Robert’s case, his girlfriend and her family will probably be ecstatic if he ever decides to wear a clean pair of dress pants one day. Sweats equals setting the bar very low. Be a gentleman? Please! We’re all better off being losers and then working our way up to decent human beings! Then it’s a pleasant surprise.
I phone the suit store and cancel my rental, realizing now that I should just stick to my plaid shirt and jeans. I’ll still leave the grillz in the garbage can though.
So David, in case you were cursing the Heavens every night, wondering why you have such strange vocals, this blog right here will answer all your questions. You can’t have your cake and eat it too brother. Or should I say, "you can’t have good looks, be a great athlete, a model, and maybe a cyborg AND have a manly voice too, unless you become a bicyclist, then you're just an asshole." Let’s make that a new saying!
