The Things We Do For Security

My tongue touches the unattractive taste of the pre-applied adhesive on the flap of the mailing envelope – the things we do for security. I’m mailing some important documents for work, which now lays safe in the confines of the impenetrable paper dungeon. I stand, disgusted from the action just described, at the counter of our mailing department, greeted by our enthusiastic mail lady, Daisy. I throw her the envelope as well as a “Top of the morning to you Daisy,” (cause I’m Irish like that) and what followed was an interesting conversation.

“How are you doing today?” I ask
“I’m doing well. How about yourself?”
“Great, I am watching Dark City tomorrow. My Favorite movie! I’m very excited about that!”
“God, did you know that the first movie I ever watched was only 10 years ago?”
Realizing that Daisy was not a 13-year-old kid, my brain screamed, “Hold the phone one second!”
“What?!” I translated. “How is that possible?”

Honestly. How? Unless you were living under a rock or something! Perhaps even in the ocean. Like if Ariel, The Little Mermaid, and I were having breakfast when the tide were low and she said, “you know, I haven’t seen a movie before,” I’d be like, “obviously, you’re a mermaid stupid,” and we’d laugh because electronics can’t work in her world and then we’d get married. And on our honey moon I’d finally be able to take that damn sea shell bra off and….What? oh! Haha. Wrong blog. Point is, Daisy was not a mermaid, so what gives? Turns out Daisy never lived under a rock either. For the better part of her life she lived under a blanket thrown on her by her elders. Yup, raised in a society that doesn’t believe in electronics and luxurious things like that. She couldn’t even wear pants for crying out loud! Imagine that!

“Hey Daisy! Let play leapfrog over these tree stumps!”
“I can’t guys…I’m wearing this dress…”
“Oh right, cause you’re not allowed to wear these awesome pants like us boys.” And the boys do a little jig out of spite. Fucken kids.

So needless to say, her story ended, or should I say began, when she decided that she was leaving that town (which for some reason I picture being in the darkness of the woods) to start a new life in the great city of Edmonton Edmonton Edmonton Edmonton Edmonton. That’s not a typo; it’s supposed to be echo. I’m trying to make Edmonton sound epic-ly cool.

“You left your people just like that?” I was mind blown. That’s some Matrix shit! Like Morpheus just strolled into her town and was like “Hey kid, look what Trinity is wearing. Pants. Leather pants. And look what I’m playing on my iPhone. Movies. Bromances! If you want to come with us, eat this red candy. It ain't going to be easy though. Fucken Neo puked when he first got out.” And then Daisy’s like, “Shit son, I’m coming with chu. I wanna know what’s up, foo!” And if you are thinking that Daisy is black right now, you are stereotyping. All the hip kids talk like that nowadays, even this white mail lady.

Ok ok. I apologize. I got carried away. Please don’t be offended. Obviously, Morpheus wouldn’t do a thing like that. The turning point for Daisy was probably the leapfrog scene. Just trying to make a point. And that point is, what Daisy did has got to be the hardest thing anyone could ever do; turning her back on what she grew up to think was right and having all those disapproving eyes glaring at her as she walked through that forest with her belongings bundled in a cloth tied to a stick, resting on her shoulder.

“Slut!” shouts some old lady as she churns butter.



Jebediah looks at the old lady with approval, while a couple of girls watch Daisy with envy. But they will never do what she did. "It’s safer here in the woods," they tell themselves. I hate envelope adhesive.

Ah, the things we do for security. Foo!


*note, all information is based off my own knowledge, research and imagination and is no way a substitute for solid facts. Do not regurgitate this to some Amish gang who will come hunt me down and do whatever it is that passive gangs do. Thank you