Don't Sink The Ship Until You Identify The Flags

When my fiancé Rose and I boarded the massive ship that would take us clear across the North Atlantic ocean, I had no idea that she would be brainwashed by a poor boy with a delusional vision of how life is lived. His philosophy was that love would conquer all, even starvation. Sure, I see his sense of adventure as a quality to admire and for someone like Rose, who has never been in a kitchen, let alone through a dark unknown alley, it could seem appealing. But what about a year from now, when he’s drunk on the side of the road with no job? Will she find him so handsome then? For crying out loud she’d only known him for a couple of days and she already had sex with him in some stranger's car. And while we’re on the subject, he’s a goddamn pervert if you ask me – drawing pictures of naked chicks on furniture. Is that not creepy?! What is this, an art class?! Sure, she may despised me for slapping her around and junk, I’ll accept that eventually. But did she have to choose him, of all people? I mean, come on! And all you people! Clapping and crying like he’s some kind of hero. I bet you the heart of the ocean that when he froze in that water, Rose was thinking, “Oh thank god. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was just a booty call.”

* clap clap clap *



Ladies and Gentleman, give a round of applause for Caledon Hockley (the guy from Titanic the movie). Poor guy. Not only did he almost drown in a boat, his fiancé left his ass in the same week! For those of you who don’t know this story, go rent the movie and educate yourself cause I’m not getting into that. Cal faced more tragedies than some people see in a lifetime! What a strong brave man….What this? No sympathy?? I’m shocked! I’m appalled! I’m speechless! Just joking, watch me speak.

Why is Jack the hero here? Why is he off the hook for stealing another man’s soon-to-be wife? I think it’s even in the 10 Commandments somewhere that speaks against this act. And yet, I remember sitting in the theatre with my jaw wide open, surprised, that everyone was cheering for Leo, Jack, whatever you want to call him.

“Um, that’s easy!” answered a female friend of mine. “Rose’s fiancé was a jerk. He controlled her life, paraded her like a trophy, disrespected her. He never truly love her! Jack was saving her from the depressed and limited life that she was leading; showed her that there was more to live for than parties and pretty clothes.”

Thanks female friend. That would have been a great answer had I asked, “Why did Rose hate her fiancé?” But I didn’t. I asked, “Why is it okay for Jack to sleep with another man’s fiancé? In a stranger’s car no less!” Two very different questions, no? Don’t get me wrong, I cheered for Jack too. Leo is like one of my favorite actors! He was bad ass in The Departed. I have a “I’ll never let go, Jack” t-shirt deep in the back of my closet too. However, let me put things into perspective. I recently (maybe not that recent) developed feelings for a beautiful girl who is currently involved with a boy…man, whatever - her hair, her eyes, her smile – gorgeous. We talk, we hang out. Once we made out in a bathroom stall during a lunch break and she told me that I was the best thing since iPods. Just joking, that making out part was only in my dreams. But seriously, I am the best thing since iPods. I told a couple of friends of my dilemma, “Hey guys, I think I’m starting to like Shanaynay. I think we’ve hit it off and I have fun with her.”

And what happens? The torches came out! I felt like The Beast in his castle when the mob of villagers came demanding something crazy like “Leave our town” or something. But as I looked from my isolated tower I could tell that half of those villagers didn’t even know what they were screaming about. They just saw their neighbor having a good old time with their shovel held above their head, so they joined. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw one of them wearing that same shirt I have in my closet.

I’m not saying I don’t look threatening. I can see why everyone thinks so. I mean, I am a fucking hairy sharp-toothed Beast; the poor creepy drifter/artist who has no goals in life; a guy that just sees something beautiful in front of him and wants it. And if I think, sorry, if I KNOW I can treat her much better than her boyfriend, shouldn’t I have the right to tell her that without being boo’d? Leo thinks so. Jack thinks so. The Beast? Well he just kind of kidnapped Belle so he doesn’t count. All I’m saying is that before you calculate it (girl with boyfriend = out of bounds) just remember, I’m not trying to steal anyone from anyone else. I’m presenting an alternative. Had that fantasy in the bathroom stall actually occurred, I’d let you crucify me right here and now. But it didn’t. Yeah, I may be showing a little booty but you can’t judge me for that. If I got it, I’ma flaunt it. But I am not sitting there asking her to pose naked for me so I can get an A in art class. All I’m saying is Jack had sex with Rose in a stranger’s car when she still had unfinished business with Cal. I just talk to Shanaynay. Give me the same support you give Jack.

Leo! Holla!