The Sales Pitch! Now With 10% More Chivalry!!

Her sigh translates to her saying, “Listen up fucker, I need your full attention.” So I guess I’ll humor her.

“I’m so sick of guys being so rude and selfish.” She starts. “I mean, what’s wrong with me? Am I not worth flowers or the biggest stuffed animal at the fair? Instead, I find myself an accessory on his arm during guy’s night, which is every fucking night! Where’s the romance, you know?

“The other day I caught myself having a daymare. That’s right. I pictured him sitting in front of the TV with a pizza pop in his hand. And just before he goes in to take a bite he looks over at me and casually asks, ‘wanna get married?’ The worst part is it’s not that far fetched.” She slams her face into my couch pillow, as if life itself was over.

It was 11 PM here in my little pad and I didn’t really have anything to do but I knew I didn’t want to sit here and lie through my teeth about how things will get better and how big old football quarter back, Ty Williams, will realize how awesome she is and change his ways and be the perfect boy toy! Thumbs up, big smile!

So I didn’t.

“He’s a genius.” Yeah, I said it!

“What??”

“What happens next?”

“Well, I say yes and spend the rest of my miserable life with him I guess, but that’s not the point. Now tell me why you think he’s a --”

“Latisha, listen,” I pause my porn and look her in her eyes like a real friend should. “Fuck John Cusack.”

“I guess he’s pretty cute but --”

“I mean, dude wears a coat and holds up a boom box and talks about the stars and now every girl believes that we men are either that or nothing at all.” Chuck Klosterman is right. I almost puked this morning as I watched on youtube, a girl, teary-eyed, shaking her head yes to a rich guy in a suit during a NBA game as the words “WILL YOU MARRY ME, DEBBIE?” scrolled across the Jumbotron during the halftime show. The crowd applauded while girlfriends hit their boyfriends as a warning that they better step up their game or else. And in that moment the collective thought of all boyfriends was, “fuck John Cusack and fuck that rich guy too!”

And I know you all are thinking that I’m bitter as hell but let me ask you this; how is that rich guy in a suit any different from a typical salesman? Think about it.

Hey there, have I got a bargain for you. See this? Pretty handsome right? No? Well what if I add these red roses? Better? I thought so. What does it do? Well, I’ll tell you. Not only does it look good on display, it will never forget your anniversary, text you good morning every single day, kiss you good night and when times get tough, it always has something uplifting to say! Watch. “Oh honey, of course you don’t look fat. Go ahead and drink that energy drink with the skeleton on the can, it’s good for your metabolism.” Still not impressed? Well, look behind you. That’s right, fireworks. Had to give a guy a blowjob for that but it was worth seeing your face all shocked and happy. Wait, there’s more. Bam! Hear that? A live marching band playing your favorite Black Eyed Peas song. So will you take it? It has a life time guarantee and if you are not satisfied, you can bring it back and we’ll give you back half of it’s money! Buy this miniature version of it just in case and also get alimony payments!

Then you end up with 10 Shamwows that you never use.

“So would you rather have a salesman that suckers you into this world of happiness, only to disappoint you further down the road or have a guy purposing to you with a pizza pocket in his hand sitting there as much himself today as he will be for the rest of your lives?”

“But John Cusack also made 2010.”

My sigh translates to me saying, “Latisha, I’m going to finish my porn now. You best leave now or things might get sticky."