Too Good to be True

The sliding glass doors are barely open as I sneak through, slowing my sprint slightly; the plastic bag in my right hand screams in reaction to the content frantically swinging from the momentum of me fleeing. I can hear them calling me, “Stop! Stop! Thief! Thief!” Yeah, you read correctly. It was highway robbery back there in the Futureshop store. I blame it all on the feeling I got in the DVD section; much like the feeling I got the other day in the bathroom of a pizza joint in the north side of town. Need I elaborate? Ok.

I push the public bathroom door open and revealed to myself urinals, toilet stalls, sinks and paper dispensers and made my way to the one that would clean my hands best. No, you idiots, I’m talking about the sink. As I was singing the happy birthday song (twice) I couldn’t help but feel that something in this washroom was off; not normal; and actually unexpectedly pleasant. This bathroom smelt nice. Yeah, you read correctly. It was like Fruits and Passions up in there! It was like the smell of a woman; of freshly baked cookies; of that burnt smell after you light a match; of that ex-girlfriend's perfume that was lingering on one of your t-shirts and you cry and hold it in bed but you’re so happy you didn’t wash it; of glue sticks if you’re into that; of masking tape; of, of, of…yeah, now I’m just smelling everything on my desk and listing them….My point is that it smelt good in that place! But despite the fact that I was inhaling this bathroom air harder than a smoker after climbing some stairs, it felt wrong and I anticipated the next inhale to be of disgusting crap, literally. But it never happened. I was confused, disturbed even and I forced myself to leave the bathroom. Well, actually, someone complained and an employee asked me to get out, but whatever.

Isn’t it sad though? No, not that fact that I was asked to stop sniffing the bathroom you damn blog hecklers, you’re fucken ruining my life right now! I was actually leaving anyways, FYI. It’s sad that as I was enjoying this nice bathroom smell, I was still expecting for the moment to go away, as if someone was just going to come in and shit all over my fun, literally. Is the idea of a great smelling bathroom too good to be true? And why oh why are things always too good to be true? I try and try to imagine something being too good and also being true but I couldn’t do it.

The feeling I got that day was something of insecurity, as if I was being set up, teased; like seeing a bag of money on the streets with a note saying “I’m too rich and want the first person who picks up this bag to keep all its contents.” First thing I would do is look around for a hidden camera. Then I’d kick the bag around a little to see if there was poo anywhere on the money. Then I’d run away out of paranoia leaving the bag as is. I mean, who in their right mind would pick up the bag of cash and walk away with a clean conscience??? Oh society! You’ve raised us to never get our hopes up!

I reach my truck after running in what seemed to be a never-ending parking lot slamming the door beside me. “Drive! Drive! Drive!” I command.

“What!?” Shouts my accomplice from the passenger seat. “You’re in the driver seat you idiot.”

“No time to explain!” I scream, starting the truck and putting the pedal to the metal, commanding my 4X4 to roar through the parked cars, weaving every which way.

We find a secluded residential area to hide my overworked truck and to catch our breaths. “What the hell was that all about??”

“I had to do it man,” I explain, still high off the adrenaline of such a clean getaway, “I had to. I had to.”

“Do what!?”

I grab the plastic bag that I threw into the back seat and dump the content into the puzzled soul’s lap.

“Knight and Day Holiday DVD/bluray combo deal?”

I nod with pride and a huge smile, “For $25!”

“And…?”

“They fucked up playah. Do the math! Bluray disc cost like $29.99 to begin with! But I got the Bluray AND the regular DVD for $25! That’s highway robbery son! Haha! Man, I was like running laps around them foo’s. They be all like ‘Stop! Stop! We’re calling our manager’ and I was like ‘errday I’m hustling baby!’ Know’wha’I’m’sayin?” I offer an invitation for the sweetest high five ever.

“First of, why are you talking like a gang banger? I’m your mother, have some respect. Secondly, there was no one chasing you. Thirdly, that’s the holiday combo deal. I saw it in the flyer. It’s supposed to be that cheap.”

“Nah man, nah. That’s WAY too good to be true. Holla!” I extend my hand; a second chance for the sweetest high five ever.

She leaves me hanging, “I’m disowning you.”